doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
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-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.