One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
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It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180