Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
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Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
me, too, girl. me, too.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready