ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
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Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.