I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Put a ring on it
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
real
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.