Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
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I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
They’re not wrong
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.