Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
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12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?