It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
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Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”