me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
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The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Put this video in the Louvre
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”