Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
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Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m not stressed
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge