Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
You Might Also Like
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
Just how popey was the pope today?
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?