I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
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No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
an octopus is just a wet spider
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt