ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
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[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
There’s never enough good news
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
dutch so unserious
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK