I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
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The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Covid like
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?