Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
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PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.