[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
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I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]