In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
You Might Also Like
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Just say no
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*