Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
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‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.