Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
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I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet