Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
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today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?