Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
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My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!