My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.