It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
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[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don鈥檛 know yours, rest assured that it鈥檚 not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My whole life was a lie.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 馃拃
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else鈥檚.
Me: Secretly? No.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
My niece told me Titanic wasn鈥檛 its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.