[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
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Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Google assistant rules
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.