I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
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I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.