SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
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Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I don’t know what to do
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going