“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit