ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
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[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off