Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
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He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.