I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
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My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
*struts into the new year
~ trips