The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
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Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
lmao
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?