*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
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murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Sign at work today
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.