The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
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If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Saturday
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.