Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
You Might Also Like
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Saw online –