Horrifying if literal: shit storm
You Might Also Like
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Husband of the year 😂
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.