These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
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[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.