*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
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I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
This came to me in a dream.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
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