My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
You Might Also Like
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.