I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
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Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
crazy
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.