I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
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‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.