Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
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Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?