Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
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I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇