[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
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(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.