[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
You Might Also Like
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Something Saturday.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know