my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
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Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.