*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
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I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Dudes named Chance never had one.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else