Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
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Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
🛁
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
when you order from DoorDastardly
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.