I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
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My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
This guy’s not having it 😆
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
greetings!
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.