Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
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Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.