not me looking down to google βwhy is my dog staring at meβ only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet πππππ
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spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, youβd buy me a lemur.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
ME: Whatβs the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: Thatβs right, Dracula, itβs biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. Heβs been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. π
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: heβs a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasnβt thinking
Itβs fascinating how an βouchieβ a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make βcheddar juiceβ by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. Weβve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
(walks into coworkerβs office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Donβt worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?